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Canadian Top Ten Lists

Please note that this is humour - except for the part where in the war of 1812 the Canadian forces burned down the White House (it's in there). I have collected these lists from around the internet. Send me any that you have that you would like to see up here.

Oh - and I can't make most of the little numbers go backwards... so just reverse them.... you know what I mean....
 

Top Ten Questions and Statements Said to Me While Living Abroad

 

  1. “Have you seen the South Park movie… Buddy? (Also: “I love that Strange Brew movie… Hoser!”)
  2. “So…,    it’s like cold there, right?”
  3. “Who is your president?”
  4. “You’re from Canada? Do you know (so-and-so) from (random Canadian city)?”
  5. “Yeah, I saw something on TV about that Quebec thing a while back.”
  6. “Aren’t you guys British?”
  7.  “Do you like Bryan Adams?”
  8. “Hey! I saw (random Canadian actor/singer) on TV yesterday! He’s Canadian – I was going to call you.”
  9. “Can you say aboot for me? Eh?”
  10. “So when are you guys going to join the US?”

 

Other Ways to Celebrate Canada Day 2000

  1. Surprise your friends by signing them up for the Canadian Alliance – especially if you live in Gaspe.
  2. See how many more Americans will believe that our Prime Minister’s name is Jean Poutine.
  3. Run around the neighbourhood with nothing on but a strategically placed Canadian Flag while singing the national anthem in both official languages – emphasizing the “Stand on guard for thee” part.
  4. Call Rome and insist that the Tragically Hip are canonized.
  5. Watch the part in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut where Canada bombs the Baldwins. Repeat.
  6. Form political party. Call it CRAP. Giggle.
  7. Call Jean Chretien and challenge him to a no-holes-barred-Inuit-soapstone-carving battle royal.
  8. Read your Human Resources and Development Canada top secret file. Correct typos.
  9. Memorize “The Rant” by heart. Scream it out as loud as you can! (You knew this was going to be in here somewhere…
  10. Write a Canadian Top Ten List that shows your friends just how much of a political-geek you really are!

Yahoo Canada Lists

Ways to Make the House Of Commons More Interesting

  1. Make the politicians give their speeches in rap, just like that Bulworth guy
  2. Whoopee cushion on the Speaker's chair.
  3. Parliament press gallery + a pack of starving timber wolves = quality entertainment the whole family can enjoy.
  4. Every time the Prime Minister answers a question, an Opposition member has to yell "'Fraid not!"
  5. Two words: Dunk tanks.
  6. Get that "Let's get ready to RUM-BLLLLE" guy to start every new session.
  7. All the cabinet ministers' answers must be phrased in the form of a question.
  8. Put in those funky Pop-Up Video Balloons during question period -- e.g., when they show a picture of Chrétien, the phrase "Hobbies: fishing,  the manly art of self-defence and collecting  Inuit sculptures" will bloop on the screen.
  9. Instead of seating by party, arrange all the  members by height.
  10. New Deputy PM: Danielle House!
     

Secrets the Canadian Government Doesn't Want You to Know

  1. There's an 11th province named "Gertie."
  2. Cabinet ministers get unlimited use of the Mountie Musical Ride to impress the cool people who ditched them in high school.
  3. Every Thursday in the Senate is Free Buffalo Wings Day.
  4. There's actually no such place as "Flin Flon."
  5. Pamela Wallin and Dini Petty are actually secret agents whose mission is to keep us distracted with entertaining programming.
  6. Government research confirms that you don't always have time for Tim Horton's, after all.
  7. They kinda made that whole metric thing up for a laugh.
  8. Baby seals taste a lot like chicken -- and with only half the fat!
  9. What, you actually bought that "atmospheric distortion" story for the northern lights? Sucker.
  10. Locked in the Parliament bell tower since 1993: the real Preston Manning!

Words That Kind Of Sound Like "Canada"

  1. Enchilada
  2. Erik Estrada
  3. Salada
  4. Ramada
  5. Yamaha
  6. Bananarama
  7. Xanadu
  8. Grenada
  9. Chumbawumba
  10. Pina colada!

Songs That Should Replace 'O Canada' As Our National Anthem

  1. Queen's We Will Rock You
  2. The Irish Rovers' Wasn't That A Party
  3. Tom Cochrane's Life is a Highway
  4. The Barenaked Ladies' If I Had A Million Dollars
  5. That song with no words they play during hockey games, just people shouting "Hey!" during the chorus
  6. The Hockey Night in Canada theme song
  7. Anything by Stompin' Tom Connors
  8. The Beatles' Twist and Shout, with a law requiring everyone -- including the Prime Minister -- to do the Twist when it's played
  9. Bachman Turner Overdrive's Taking Care of Business
  10. Queen's We Are The Champions. 'Nuff said!

Little-Known Facts In Canadian History

  1. Technically, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Bret "the Hitman" Hart are also famous Canadian historical figures.
  2. It's a fact: During the War of 1812, British and Canadian troops marched on Washington and burned down the White House.
  3. It's a fact: During the War of 1812, British and Canadian troops marched on Washington and burned down the White House. (Just wanted to repeat that one for the benefit of our neighbours.)
  4. First World War -- Canada enters in 1914, the U.S. enters in 1917. Second World War -- Canada enters in 1939, the U.S. enters in 1941. Conclusion: Don't mess with us.
  5. July 2, 1867: Sir John A. Macdonald utters those stirring words that will forever be remembered by his fellow Canadians: "Me and the boys did what last night?"
  6. When he set up his equipment in St. John's to receive the world's radio signal, Marconi heard the world's first live broadcast of a Great Big Sea contest.
  7. Lester Pearson? Prime Minister, diplomat, Nobel Prize winner, world kickboxing champion -- a true Renaissance man.
  8. Tragically, Laura Secord was lactose-intolerant.
  9. The native guy who first told the British that beaver hats looked good on them was actually just pulling their legs -- fer cryin' out loud, they were hats made from beavers!
  10. Secret documents have revealed that it was actually Canada that joined Newfoundland in1949. They just kept the name "Canada" because no one wanted the hassle of ordering new stationery.

Ways Life Would Be Different if Canada Ruled the World

  1. American dollar? If we're in a good mood, 32 cents Canadian.
  2. New taste sensation at McDonald's: the McPoutine.
  3. Guaranteed gold medals for Canada in every Winter Olympic event, dagnabbit!
  4. Mapmakers would need to order a heck of a lot more pink, that's for sure.
  5. All the top entertainers and news anchors in the States will be Canadian (no, wait, we're doing that already).
  6. Federal law requiring more questions about Saskatchewan on Jeopardy!
  7. New teen drama series on Fox starring Jason Priestley: Rosedale M4W 1T7.
  8. United Nations disputes solved by best-in-three curling shootouts.
  9. Non-stop Beachcombers and King of Kensington reruns to show rest of the world that their new Canadian overlords are down-to-earth folks just like them.
  10. Three words: more street hockey

Other Ways to Celebrate Canada Day

  1. Call up Howard Stern's house; ask if you can speak to "Seymour Butz."
  2. Drive to Niagara Falls and loudly say, "My,  the American Falls look so PUNY next to ours!"
  3. Call Sheila Copp's office. Order free flag.  Repeat 30 million times.
  4. Tell visiting Americans that the "Maximum 120" road signs are actually posted in miles for their convenience.
  5. Politely tell anyone who listens that one of our former First Ladies used to hang with the Rolling Stones AND Jack Nicholson.
  6. Start letter-writing campaign to have entire This Hour Has 22 Minutes cast appointed to replace the Senate.
  7. Welcome a new family to this country by teaching them the secret lyrics to the Hockey Night in Canada theme song that only we Canadians know.
  8. Traveling to Prince Edward Island? Eat lots of them tasty taters.
  9. Knock on the Governor General's door and give him or her a great big noogie when he comes out to see who it is.
  10. Plaid, and lots of it!

David Letterman's Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Reasons Alex Trebek Became a U.S. Citizen

  1. Dying to show off how much he knows at the citizenship exam.
  2. For 10th year in a row, lost Sexiest Canadian Alive to that bastard Alan Thicke.
  3. Became interested after playing U.S. Citizenship: the Home Game.
  4. Risked everything to flee Canada's crushing Communist regime.
  5. What is...American tail?
  6. Finally admitted to himself he's just not that interested in hockey.
  7. Canadian bacon -- neither crispy nor delicious; American bacon -- crispy and very delicious.
  8. After you're sworn in as citizen, you get a free USA tote bag.
  9. Got into a little Jeopardy with a stripper in Toronto.
  10. I'll take "Who gives a crap?" for a thousand.

Top Ten Canadian Complaints About Americans

  1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural contributions of Howie Mandel
  2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne Gretzky down there against his will
  3. Every time we mention the city "Regina," they won't stop giggling
  4. Incredibly, they only have one word for "snow"
  5. In American encyclopedias, Canada often called "North Dakota's gay neighbour"
  6. They call it American cheese, even though it was invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot 
  7. They've never even heard of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan
  8. Two words: "Weird Al" 
  9. Sick of that gap-toothed loser on "The Late Show with Paul Shaffer"
  10. Not enough guys named "Gordie"

Top Ten Canadian Complaints About U.S. TV Shows

  1. Whenever they show Niagara Falls, always "happens" to be on U.S. side
  2. Not enough exciting canoe chases
  3. No Monday night curling
  4. Just when we get hooked on "Dweebs" -- poof! It's gone
  5. One too many award shows hosted by David Letterman
  6. It's really hard to play along with "Jeopardy!" after you've drunk a couple dozen Molsons
  7. Not a single Canadian featured in O.J. trial
  8. E.R. never about frostbite
  9. During "Cheers" reruns, real beer should pour out of the TV
  10. Too much Dave, not enough Paul

Top Ten Possible Names For Quebec If It Secedes

  1.  Le Grand Faux Pas
  2. Lorne Greenland
  3. Rand McNally's Worst Nightmare
  4. Sparky
  5. International House of Pancakes
  6. The Monkey On Maine's Back
  7. Frenchylvania
  8. Canada 90210
  9. Parlez-Vousland
  10. Funkytown

 

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